My serious, 14 month long relationship just ended. We lived together which has been making things incredibly difficult, for me at least. But he ended it. Things aren’t so difficult for him.
I just want to outline some of my feelings, and my musings of the last few days. For my own sanity, I suppose. I think it’ll be important to look back on how I feel right now, in this moment, regardless of what the future holds for he and I.
Now, let’s get some things straight before I start in. I’m not a psycho. I’m not a bitch. I’m not going to be the crazy ex-girlfriend because that’s never been something I’ve been able to let myself become. Don’t get me wrong, some of my feelings and impulses verge on barbaric, but I refuse to let myself give into those aspects of me. I’ve been the bigger person since the moment our relationship began to deteriorate, and I will not let myself think otherwise. What he thinks is a different case entirely, but there are two sides to every story, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.
I’ve struggled with depression and self-loathing for as long as I can recall being conscious of my own thoughts. This is simply the truth, and I’ve always been the first to admit to it. The beginning of our relationship is a story for another day, as I don’t think I could bear to retell it right now, but let it be known that I was very honest with those dark parts of me from day one.
He feels betrayed. He feels like he set out into something he believed in and was disappointed. He feels like I never appreciated him, or cared for him the way he cared for me. He feels like he needs a relationship with someone who thinks about relationships the same way he does, which is perfectly valid. The way he thinks about relationships, and handles them, is probably the best possible way to go about things, and I came to realize that. But I did not always see things that way.
I do now. I really, truly do. I also feel the same way about myself that he did right from the start. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of everything I am capable of. I am worthy of maturity and responsibility and life. I am worthy of life. If were to take nothing else from the time we shared together, I would at least take that.
I am not only worthy of life, but I want it now more than ever. In the past I’ve toyed with the idea that things inside of me might be better if they were never there at all. I’ve dealt with years of torment and pain and that is no one’s fault but my own, but I never knew how to take control of those emotions and set them on fire. I do now. I can do these things, and feel these things, because of him.
I may never have appreciated him the way he felt he deserved, but I do now. I love him, just as I always have, if not more, and I want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth proving that to him in any way I possibly can. But I’ve lost my chance.
This destroys me. I’m not taking this situation well at all, but I am taking it better than I could have ever expected of myself which I consider to be a triumph. No one would take this situation well, believe me. I honestly don’t believe that anyone in my position would be able to lay back and take these events in stride, after having loved someone so fully and completely for so long. But in the past, I’ve dealt with my pain in the wrong way, and this time is completely different.
I will not fall victim to my depression.
I will not harm myself emotionally, or physically, or take this out on myself in any way.
I do blame myself for what transpired throughout our relationship, but I will not blame myself for the end. He made this decision. I will not allow myself to grieve over something I’ve caused. I will only grieve for what I’ve lost.
I will not do anything but live as tremendously as I possibly can, with him in mind, every single day.
A lot of people will tell you that the best way to handle a break up is to completely diminish contact with the other person and to try to come closer to closure every single day. That is very, very true for a lot of people. But not for me.
I’m finding solace in the fact that this is simply a break in our journey. I’m finding solace in the fact that he was my best friend for a year and will continue to be my best friend regardless of whether he knows it or not. No one has ever touched my life the way he has, and that alone is enough to put him at the forefront of my heart and soul. I have no qualms about that, and I will not feel bad about it. I will continue to be there for him in any way I possibly can, whenever he feels he needs a friend. I just hope he’ll turn to me.
I’ve cried a lot over this. I’ve felt this struggle in so many different ways. I’ve done that thing where you’re crying but it’s not the loud, painful kind of crying where your eyes swell up and your airways are blocked, it’s the kind of crying where it’s silent and swift and tears stream down your cheeks at intervals you never thought possible. I’ve done the loud, painful kind of crying too. I’m continuing with life, because the show must go on, but there is a constant ache in the pit of my stomach that I can’t seem to shake. I can’t bring myself to get angry.
For a long, long time, I’ve been able to deal with the pain of my life with music and movies and art and the like, as most people do. Specifically, I’ve turned to Eminem because there is very little music that contains so much emotion as his does. I’ve always related to him on some level, with the rage and depression and self-hatred. I listened to ‘Puke’ today and tried so desperately to feel like I was hearing the words I wish I could say to Connor, like I’ve done in the past with other people. But I couldn’t. I had to skip over that song. I don’t wish harm or sadness upon him, and I never could. Even Eminem doesn’t know how to truly help me through this like he has before.
This is something I’ve never encountered. I’ve never had such a connection with another human. Although I’ve had relationships and break-ups in the past, none of them ever felt real or quite so awful. And I’ve always been the one to end it. This time is different, because this man was different. I was different. Everything about this is foreign and a bit unbearable. I want to make things better, but he won’t allow me to.
I don’t know what advice I have for anyone going through the same thing I am right now, but the advice I have for myself is, “Hannah, don’t give up.”
I will not give up on something I believe in with such conviction. I have never believed in anything so strongly, because nothing else has ever seemed real to me. I lived in an alternate universe for so long, some place I’d created in my head. Now reality has slapped me in the face like a bat filled with nails, and I can’t deny it any longer.
I don’t know, folks. I’m in a weird place right now. I hope things get better for us, not just for me. Most people take break-ups as an excuse to finally focus on themselves for once, but that feels so wrong. I was selfish and focused on myself and only myself for so long, it has come time to admit to my mistakes and focus on every other important aspect of life. My connections with others, my connection with him. I need to mend this.
I will not give up.
I know I shouldn’t have, but I stepped into Walgreens today to find some rather pleasant sales and couldn’t help myself. As usual. Because I suck. Here’s what I came away with.
(this is my personal favorite purchase of the day. absolutely delicious.)
from left to right: Lip Butter in Cotton Candy, Lip Butter in Creamsicle, Baby Lips in Pink Punch
I think this is a mascara I might ACTUALLY LIKE. What a novel fucking concept.
Red Red & Bijou Blue - two coats & a top coat
Connor and I had the fabulous fortune of getting to see Bon Iver in San Francisco this past Thursday. With a lengthy past of enjoying live music & being short, I’m a bit anal about arriving early to general admission shows. If I’m not right up front, I can hardly see anything at all, and in all honesty: the show just isn’t as good. Nothing beats a front row view. After a quick meal, we joined the swarm of people who seemed like they were attending a Tumblr themed costume party. I quickly came to a conclusion that kept holding true throughout the entire show.
My relationship is going to be undergoing some incredibly important changes when Connor comes back home to me. I’m starting off by regulating my sleep schedule a little bit, something that I know will please him. So for the time being, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open until sleep time appropriate for NOT waking up at 2 in the morning.
Watching The Simpsons, pissing about on Neopets becsause, why not? And slowly munching on toasted coconut cookie thins from Trader Joe’s.
Does Nickelodeon still host their old old old games on their website? Let’s find out.
The answer is yes they do, and I desperately wanted to play the game where Spongebob makes Krabby Patties but it wouldn’t work. So I settled for a Rugrats All Grown Up personality quiz. I got Angelica.
It is impossible to watch shows about people making cake without wanting cake.
I’ve been ridiculously sleepless for the past couple of days. Chalking it up to my quitting smoking (which is going surprisingly well, by the way.) As well as can truly be expected.
I feel better physically, which is good. But I’m kind of all over the place mentally. My oral fixation has nowhere to go, and I’ve developed a craving for caffeine unlike I’ve ever known. Considering my already standing caffeine dependence, it’s intense to say the least. So, I guess I’m not blaming my particularly bad insomnia on lack of nicotine but copious numbers of energy drinks. Typically it’d be coffee but all I have is my french press, as I’ve yet to decide on a coffee maker to invest in, and I really can’t be bothered.
So…this has been the product of my dazed boredom. I LOVE THEM. I think I may adopt this as my permanent nail style. Except I won’t because I will tire. BUT RIGHT NOW I LOVE THEM.
In addition to the time it took to do that, I’ve been…not cleaning, watching Breaking Bad, hiding money from myself so I don’t go buy a pack, contemplating whether to dye my hair lilac or pink, and playing WoW for the first time.
It’s really ridiculous I’ve not played WoW already, but I think I always subconsciously kept myself from it because I knew it would become an expensive, time-consuming addiction. But the ‘free for 20 levels’ offer was too appealing and I finally gave it. I’m only level 5. I play it in short bursts because I’m not into it enough for it to be addicting. But I’ll let you know how that evolves. I don’t LOVE it yet, but I’m certainly a sucker for any fantasy RPG so we’ll see.
- If anyone’s curious I’m a night elf hunter. Obvz. YOU GET A PET. I actually wish I’d been a warrior in retrospect. I much prefer melee to ranged weapons, but I was blinded by the appeal of the pet. -.-
In conclusion, FedEx delivered our new TV today, so now I GET TO PLAY SKYRIM ON A GIANT SCREEN. It’s unbelievable how stunning the graphics mods are at 42 inches & 1080p. I highly recommend this if you’re a PC gamer like me.